Do I look fat?
I'm serious.
Do I?
Yes. Yes, you look fat.
As big as a house.
I cannot believe you just said that.
And here I am, carrying your baby.
How do I know it's my baby?
Do you know what your problem is?
You've got a chip on your shoulder.
Yes.
Just can't.
And it's as big as a boulder.
I can't take it. I can't take it, excuse me.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sir, are you okay? Is there anything you need?
Yes. I need a musical.
A BIG
GAY
MUSICAL!
I love being OFF Broadway!
Ladies and gentleman,
welcome to the first preview of "Adam and Steve -
Just the Way God Made 'Em."
Before the show begins,
we need to let you know that the show was rated "FLAMING"
by the Coalition of Christians.
But that doesn't mean it's about homosexuals.
It just means, that if you enjoy this show,
you'll end up burning in hell, right next to us.
Applause
Hi! I'm Adam.
And I'm his husband, Steven.
And this is our story.
In the beginning,
God created the Heavens and the Earth.
Wait a minute!
That's not how it's supposed to begin. You grabbed the wrong book.
Sorry.
In the beginning,
God was... bored.
He was all alone in the universe,
and the thought of being alone forever bothered Him.
He realized what he needed were beautiful beings to entertain Him.
So, God created the angels.
And they were hot.
Each angel was hot& and sexy&
and male.
God loved the angels, but soon realized that He wanted more.
So, God created the Earth.
♪ He made the Earth full of beauty and wonder. ♪
♪ He made the sky full of stars like no one could. ♪
♪ He made the oceans and rivers and mountains. ♪
♪And He knew ♪
♪ it was good. ♪
♪ One day God came down to Earth and summoned all His might. ♪
♪ He took one look at the darkness and said ♪
Why the fuck is it so dark down here?
Oh, that's better.
Aren't they great?
Let's show 'em angels!
♪ It's God. He's the one creator. ♪
♪ It's God. He's the entertainer. ♪
♪ It's God. He's the great orator. ♪
♪ It's God. He's the master... ♪
Gasp
What? He is the master.
♪ I am God. ♪
♪ I created the plants and the trees. ♪
♪ I made all the animals - the birds and the bees. ♪
♪ I made everything that you see, ♪
♪ but none of it satisfied me. ♪
♪ I needed interaction and drama. ♪
♪ I needed something entertaining to see. ♪
♪ I loved all the stuff that I created, ♪
♪ but it's like a nature show on TV. ♪
So God created a man.
Adam was just what God wanted.
A man to do the gardening,
take care of the animals.
But, Adam was lonely.
And, God wasn't very fond of what Adam was doing with the animals.
Baa...
So God created Eve, a woman for Adam.
And they were happy.
For a while.
You couldn't even make me something to eat?
Don't you start with me!
But the shit hit the fan when they ate God's favorite fruit.
Here! Eat this.
Jesus Christ!
Yes daddy?
Nothing. Go back to bed.
It wasn't my fault. I swear.
It was a serpent.
Yeah, a serpent.
♪And so I threw them both out of my garden. ♪
♪ What else was there for me to do? ♪
♪ But then the garden just seemed so empty, ♪
♪ and I was depressed and I was so blue. ♪
Hey God. Why don't you try two men?
What the hell! Let's try it!
♪ I made another Adam for my garden, ♪
♪ but I didn't make another Eve. ♪
♪ I made another man a bit more sensitive, ♪
♪ and I called him Steve! ♪
♪And that is how it all began, ♪
♪the story of Adam and Steve. ♪
♪Though it's not written in the Bible, ♪
♪ it's the truth from above so believe. ♪
♪And now here's Adam and Steve. ♪
♪ God bless Adam and Steve. ♪
Just the way I made 'em!
Really good show guys.
Yeah, for a first preview, it was actually pretty good.
Where are you rushing off to?
I don't do stage doors.
What do you mean?
There's nothing I hate more than people at the stage door.
They feel like they have to tell you how good you are.
It's fake and awkward and I just don't do it.
Oh look, Patti LuPone.
Do you always beat the audience?
So far so good.
What about your fans?
My "fans"? Yeah right.
Oh, I'm working at Mostly Sondheim later,
so if you wanna stop by, let me know.
I can’t wait to hear some fat guy singing "All that Jazz."
Or some flamer singing "And I am telling you, Sophie."
Show tunes and booze kids. That's what keeps me happy.
I'll see you guys later.
Yeah later.
Oh, I'm sorry!
No problem. See you tomorrow.
Hey babe. Great first preview.
See you soon. Smiley face.
We are so proud of you.
You're gonna be such a big star in New York City.
It's just Off-Broadway.
Just Off-Broadway?
People would sell their souls
to be starring in an Off-Broadway show, and don't you forget it.
We just wanted to call and tell you how proud we are of you.
And congratulations.
Thank you.
We have a surprise for you.
We're coming to your opening night.
Hey, we weren't going to miss your big night, huh?
Hey, we've been to all the others.
How could we miss your first New York City opening night?
The first of many.
Oh, great!
Hey, we should let you go and enjoy your success.
Oh yeah, God bless.
We love you honey.
God bless.
I love you too.
Hi everyone. Welcome to Mostly Sondheim!
We have one hell of a crowd here.
Mostly Sondheim is like an open mic night for show tunes.
Every song you sing has to be from a show
or from a songwriter that has written a show.
Oh, actually you can sing whatever you want
if you tip twenty dollars. We don't care.
And I couldn't imagine beginning Mostly Sondheim
without hearing my gorgeous co-host,
Kate Pazakis' gregarious, fabulous vocal chords.
Gregarious?
I don't know. I just made up the word.
So, hit it Jack! And don't forget to tip.
♪ Friday night. ♪
♪ I spend the whole week waiting for Friday night. ♪
♪Anticipating all the lonely hearts. ♪
♪ We all play parts on Friday night. ♪
♪ 'Cause that's when the party starts! ♪
♪And the party isn't over 'til the bar runs dry, ♪
♪ and the next one too, where you catch my eye. ♪
♪ No the party isn't over 'til we hail a cab and I go home with you. ♪
♪ See, the party isn't over 'til I've seen your face. ♪
♪And I know it's you, from outer space! ♪
♪And the party isn't over 'til I find the one. ♪
♪ 'Til I fall in love with you! ♪
Alright!
Well, it's four AM, and you know what that means, folks!
You're gonna finally play some fucking Sondheim?
No, it means you have to go home and don't forget to tip!
Mostly Sondheim my ass!
They should call it mostly Jason Robert Brown.
Goodnight everybody. Get home safe!
Goodnight!
You're ready to go?
I'm ready for a lot of things.
Hmm, I like the way that sounds.
Look!
The homosexuals lifestyle is the biggest threat our nation has,
even more so than terrorism.
And they call themselves Christians.
Didn't Jesus say
"Do to your neighbors as you would have them do unto you"?
Well, that sounds like a good philosophy.
Wait!
What?
No flood? No lightning?
No wrath of God?
I guess He approves.
C'mon.
We've gotta be good neighbors.
Text signal
Another text from the boyfriend?
Sebastian is not my boyfriend.
We've only been dating a couple weeks.
Honey, you've been single forever.
If I were you I'd call him a boyfriend
just so I could say I had one this millennium.
It's not about having a boyfriend.
I have a little surprise for you.
Because you've both been so wonderful,
I'm giving you some special wedding gifts.
What?! He's giving them more stuff!
I bet they'll start singing show tunes.
Art, fashion, creativity, music!
♪ Look at them who are so happy. ♪
♪ Look at them, so content. ♪
♪ Living there in our garden while we're here in a tent! ♪
♪This fight isn't over. ♪
♪ No, they are gonna pay! ♪
♪Those man who are so happy, ♪
♪ those men who are so gay! ♪
Maybe that's what we should call 'em.
Gays!
'Cause they're happy.
Shut up!
Hey, this isn't my fault!
God and his damn fruit.
Oh, hey Steve.
Hey Adam. Look what I just made.
OK, now it's official. You are a genius!
Oh you're too sweet.
Who would've ever thought
you could get this awesome juice out of a potato?
Well look at these cool glasses you made.
They're hand blown!
That has always been one of your specialties.
What about last night?
You figured out how to pull the skin back.
It's so much better that way.
I know, now I really like bananas.
Hey, I wonder if our kids are going to be like us...
or like them.
What do you mean?
How do we now if our kids are going to be cultured and stuff?
Or like us?
Well, we'll just have to teach our kids to be like us, that's all.
And tell them to stay away from the garden.
Hey! Who are you?
Hi, I'm Adam and this is my husband Steve.
What's your name?
Cain.
Do you want a banana?
Mommy, can I eat Adam's banana?
Make sure you pull the skin back.
Stay away from them!
They're trying to convert our children.
That's how they plan to do it.
They don't have to go through labor pains at all.
They just use fruit!
Cain!
God doesn't like the gay people.
That's why he keeps them locked up in the gated garden.
And He's given us... this entire desert,
which is why He loves us more.
♪ Be careful of gay people, ♪
♪ and their perverted needs. ♪
♪They want you to be like them, ♪
♪ but God needs you to breed. ♪
♪Those gays want to convert you ♪
♪ and your little brother too. ♪
♪ Make your parents proud of you. ♪
♪You know what just to do. ♪
Go check on your little brother.
♪This fight isn't over. ♪
♪ No, they are gonna pay. ♪
♪Those men who are so happy,♪
♪ those men who are so gay. ♪
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!
What is it Cain?
I had to& I had to kill Abel.
What? Why?
He was& He was&
He was singing a showtune.
NO!
Not a showtune!
♪ Somehow they got to Abel, ♪
♪ and taught him their sick ways. ♪
♪ Wont you please protect me Mommy ♪
♪ from turning out that way? ♪
Don't worry Cain. I'll protect you from those people!
I promise you Mommy, I will never ever
sing a showtune.
♪ We'll show His chosen people ♪
♪just who will win this fight. ♪
♪Abel's death is on their heads now. ♪
♪ I know that we are right. ♪
♪ We must stop them from recruiting ♪
♪ new people to their fray. ♪
♪And hate has many uses. ♪
♪ We hate those who are gay! ♪
Cain, get that book Mama's been working on.
You mean the Breeder's Informational Book of Living Examples?
Yes, honey.
But we call it the AB.I.AB.L.E. for short.
What are you writing it for?
I have to teach our descendants to hate the gays.
Do you think this book will be enough to warn them in the future?
What if they don't believe it?
They'll believe what they read.
In five thousand year from now,
they won’t even know who wrote the damn thing!
♪ We'll get His chosen people. ♪
♪Those men, we'll make them pay. ♪
♪ I will teach all of the children ♪
♪ to hate those who are gay. ♪
♪All of those showtune singing ♪
♪ gays! ♪
Hey.
Hi.
You're cute.
Thanks.
I'm just here to relax.
I can help with that.
I'm actually seeing someone.
I'm not gonna tell him.
I'm not here to hook up.
C'mon, just let me suck you off.
No!
Just leave me the fuck alone.
I tried to be nice but& Christ!
Dick.
Can I talk to you about something?
Sure, what is it?
My parents are coming to opening night.
That's great!
It is. I mean they've always been so supportive,
but I never expected them to come all the way for this.
It is your first New York opening. You shouldn't be surprised.
I know, but my parents are very religious.
Oh, so do your parents know what the show is about?
I told them it was "Adam and Eve - The Way God Made 'Em".
Yeah, there gonna be surprised.
And they don't know about me either.
This is gonna be good.
I'm sorry.
I'm serious. I'm freaking out.
They wouldn't let us read Harry Potter,
because it was all magic and against God.
Well if they think Harry Potter is sacrilegious,
I can’t wait to hear their review of this show.
I try to be good, I don't have sex...
But you've had sex right?
What? Seriously?
I wanted to wait for the right guy.
But I don't really go out and meet people so I never really found one.
Wow. But haven't you ever been curious?
No.
Yes. I don't know. Look!
Sex is the last thing on my mind right now. What am I gonna do?
I wish I knew what to tell you.
My parents are gonna hate me.
No they're not. It's all gonna be OK. Trust me.
Look, we gotta go. We'll talk later?
Yeah.
Ok.
God I wish this wasn't happening.
And just as the prophecies foretold, five thousand years later,
God put Adam and Steve back on the Earth to prove their love was real,
and able to beat the obstacles of the modern world.
They were put in different places,
and in homes that used the Breeders Informational A Book of Living Examples.
♪ I was sitting backstage ♪
♪ and wondering what to say ♪
♪ so I raised my hands to Heaven ♪
♪ and I began to pray. ♪
♪And Jesus said to ♪
♪ praise Him. ♪
♪ Jesus said to ♪
♪ love Him. ♪
♪ Jesus said to ♪
♪ glorify Him. ♪
♪ Yes, Jesus said. ♪
♪ Oh, Jesus said ♪
♪find salvation. ♪
♪ He said make a... donation. ♪
♪ Jesus said, oh Jesus said. Oh, yes he said! ♪
And Jesus said to me, "Patty Maye,
Patty Maye, I want you to go out and tell the people how you feel.
Tell them how you feel about being a Christian."
So Jesus, this one's for you.
♪ I'm proud to be a Christian ♪
♪ and to love my fellow man. ♪
♪ Proud to be a Christian ♪
♪to help others when I can. ♪
♪ I'm proud to be a Christian ♪
♪ and be nice to everyone. ♪
♪ We're not better than the Jews or the Arabs ♪
♪ as they continue to fight. ♪
♪ We're not better than the Catholics, those boozers, ♪
♪ but we are always right. ♪
And do you know why I know we're right?
♪And Jesus said to ♪
♪ praise Him. ♪
♪ Jesus said to ♪
♪ love Him. ♪
♪ Jesus said to ♪
♪ glorify Him. ♪
♪ Yes, Jesus said. ♪
♪ Oh, yes He said ♪
♪find salvation. ♪
♪ He said make a... donation. ♪
♪ Jesus said, oh Jesus said, oh yes He said! ♪
Isn't she wonderful?
Everyday I thank the Lord for bringing me Patty Maye.
Now, do you know what it is time for?
Well, I hope so.
It is time to hear about Jesus!
Amen!
But before I can tell y'all about the word of the Lord,
I need to talk to you about something very important.
My friends, partners in my ministry,
we have fallen on hard times.
Now, we want to express across the world our message,
but, we are running out of money!
Now you know all the money in your wallets
and in your bank accounts and on your credit cards,
well, that is not your money!
That is God's money,
and God needs his money back!
Hallelujah!
And then last thing, just at the end of "creation"
I want a sforzando on the "aah",
so just watch me, it will be like "aaaaahh!"
Like that, yeah?
Yes.
Thank you so much.
Have a good second act.
Thank you.
So, what do you think I should do?
About what? Your parents or your virginity?
What? Huh? What?
You're a vir&
You'll have to excuse her. She's never had to use that word before.
That is not true. I used to pray to that Mary person and she was a vir&
Are you really a virgin?
This probably wasn't the best place for this conversation.
We can help you out with your virginity.
Oh, no you can't. Leave him alone.
I didn't mean it like that. I meant come out with us tonight.
We know a lot of hot boys. We can get you laid.
Come out with us!
I'm not trying to get laid.
Going out tonight might be good for you. Take your mind off things.
Give you a chance to clear your head.
And Sebastian and I will be there to make sure these whores
don't put you on an express train to hell.
Are you calling me a whore?
If I wasn't sitting in this chair right now, I'd take my...
But you are Blanche! You are!
To alcohol!
Go-go dancing. I couldn't imagine doing that.
Is he for real? Red panties.
I know, he has a zit on his right butt cheek.
Alright, let's get him another.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Hey! Hey you! How you doing?
I've never been better. This was such a good idea.
Are you sure? You seem pretty wasted.
You can call it "wasted', I call it "free!"
Okay, just don't do anything stupid.
I'll show you guys dancing.
What is this?
No, no, no, no.
Alright, I am so over you and your friends.
Oh my God.
So good! Don't knock yourself out.
I think this is yours.
I have no idea how it ended up off of me.
May I help you put it back on?
You can help me do anything.
Oh really?
Yeah.
Not in front of my friends.
What?
We can't kiss in front of my friends.
You know you kissed me right?
Yeah, I know, but
we can't do this in front of my friends.
Do you want to go somewhere?
I've always wanted to go to Paris.
Well, for tonight, lets go to my place.
That will do for now.
Hey hold this, I'll be right back.
Hey Eddie!
Can I talk to you a minute?
Sure, what's up?
Sorry.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Yeah, why?
I just want to make sure.
You and your newfound freedom.
You don't have to go home with anyone.
Yeah I know.
I wanna go home with him.
He's really hot.
Okay.
I appreciate it. Goodnight.
Be safe.
Uh huh.
I've never done this before.
Just relax.
Doesn't this feel good?
Yes.
Wait, shouldn't we get a con...
Don't worry about it.
Do you do this a lot?
No, you're special.
So, what happened to you last night?
What do you mean?
Well, first you were drunk, and then you were with that guy...
Scott?
Scott.
Did you do it?
Did you tap his little ass?
Well, he actually...
No!
What?
You bottomed for a bottom?
I don't even know what to say to that.
But you were safe, right?
What?
You were safe, right?
Safe?
When you had sex, you used a condom?
He doesn't have sex a lot.
He said it would hurt more if...
Are you serious?
He's a slut! Don't you ever have unsafe sex again, you hear me?
Never! I don't care who you're with.
You just met him, that's crazy!
But&
Never have unsafe sex!
Ok?
Yes. Fine.
Five minutes guys!
Thanks five.
So, what should I do about my parents?
Well, whatever you do, don't tell them a bottom banged you bareback.
I'm serious!
Look, whatever you do, whatever you tell them, just...
make sure you do it before they get here.
text signal
What the hell?
What's wrong?
Someone told Sebastian that I was HIV positive.
Oh, that makes sense now, all the safe stuff.
I'm so sorry, I didn't&
I'm not!
I'm not positive!
Benny, you know what I think it's time for?
I think it's time to tell all our Christian friends
just what's going on in our own family right now.
Are you sure you're up for it, Sugar Plum?
I'm strong.
Strong.
For Jesus!
That's my Patty!
I'm not sure if y'all know this or not,
but one of our very own singing angels is my nephew, Steven.
My sister became a Catholic for her husband,
and they have been raising Steven
as a Catholic!
Oh Lord.
Jesus just told me how much that hurt Him!
Now, a couple of weeks ago, Steven came to me and he said,
"Aunt Patty, I think there's something you need to know."
Well, I clutched my heart and I said
"Please, dear Jesus. Let him tell me he's leaving the Catholic Church!"
Praise Jesus!
But no, he said, "Aunt Patty,
I am a hhh...homosexual."
Homosexual!
Well, I fell to my knees and I said, "No Jesus! No! He's become a priest!"
Oh no!
Well, thank Jesus, he was not a priest.
But he was a hh...homosexual.
But at least that's a disease we can cure him of.
Well, Benny and I talked to him,
and we read him parts of the bible where it says homosexuality is wrong.
God hates them.
Hates them! Yes!
And then, Jesus gave me my mission.
And Benny and I together started a retreat program
to help those young homosexuals on the straight path to Jesus!
Good Lord!
To scare that demon of homosexuality out of them!
Praise Jesus!
And we found a wonderful recovered homosexual
named Bruce Cohan,
not Cohen.
And he used to be a choreographer on the Broadway
until he found Jesus.
Yes indeed!
And he will lead that retreat!
Yes Lord!
Now part of your donations today
will go towards the "Foundation Against Gayness Society."
Now, here's our nephew, the reformed Catholic,
and soon to be reformed homosexual,
Praise Lord!
Steven, to give his testimony.
Praise Jesus.
This whole situation has been very difficult for me.
You see,
I love the Lord,
but, I know He doesn't love me.
I know He doesn't want me to be gay.
And I know He won't love me until I stop being this way.
♪ I will change for you. ♪
♪ I will change for you, my God! ♪
♪ I will be the boy you want me to be! ♪
♪ I will change for you. ♪
♪ I will change for you, my God. ♪
♪ I just want to know you love me again. ♪
♪ I'll cast off these wicked passions, ♪
♪these desires that I feel. ♪
♪ I'll cast out these thoughts that so offend Thy will. ♪
♪ I will change, I promise, I will change. ♪
♪ I will change for you my God. ♪
Hey Sebastian, it's Paul.
Please call me back, we need to talk about this.
I'm not positive. I don't know who told you that, but it's a lie.
Please call me back. Bye.
This is the Lyons. Leave a message and we'll call you right back.
Hi Mom and Dad, it's just me.
I just got out the show and I wanted to call to say hi.
Hope you guys are well.
We'll talk soon.
I love you.
A lot.
♪ Well, you know I've been a liar... ♪
I can't believe someone would do that to you.
I mean, if someone told him I was a drunk or something I wouldn't care.
'Cause it's true.
This is just vicious.
Fuck it.
I'll be right back.
That's Johnny, everyone!
All right, now it's time for us to bring up one of our
regulars here at Mostly Sondheim.
Come on up, Dante!
He's not gonna sing that song again?
Hey.
You better sing 'Meadowlark' later.
Ok.
This is one of my favorite songs.
Oh yes he is.
♪ Fernando, the espresso man, ♪
♪ brings me java when he can. ♪
♪ Fernando, the espresso man, ♪
♪ I love him a lot a lot a ♪
♪ latte! ♪
Someone please shoot me!
Here.
Just shoot these.
♪ Fills my coffee with his cream! ♪
You're ok?
Yeah&
♪ I love him a lot a lot a ♪
♪ latte! ♪
Thanks for coming here.
I just wish I was in better spirits.
It's ok.
Is it strange that he's not calling me back?
Who? Oh, thanks.
Scott.
He isn't calling me back.
What'd you think was gonna happen?
You met him. You had sex. That's pretty much the end of it.
But I thought he liked me.
Eddie, it's not about liking you or not liking you. It was just sex!
But it was so special.
It was just sex, trust me.
Just sex?
So I should just go out and have sex with people?
What the hell do I know?
Why does being gay have to be this hard?
I don't know, but you can't let this get you down.
You can't let this asshole hurt you. You just have to pick up and move on.
Everything is gonna be OK.
And if you're looking for more then sex,
you don't sleep with the guy an hour after you met him.
I just feel awful.
And my butt still hurts.
I'm sorry.
As Homer Simpson so admirably put it,
"To alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems."
So, what are you gonna do about Sebastian?
Paul?
Yeah.
Hey!
Thanks for calling me back.
No, I'm fine.
I just have a lot on my mind right now.
A lot!
Look, I can't really talk right now. I'm on my way to a dance class,
but I'll call you later.
Bye, love you.
Hey Sebastian, it's Paul.
Again.
Listen, I just got tested for you and I'm negative.
We need to talk.
What are you writing, your memoirs?
No, I'm just trying to get my thoughts together.
You're OK?
Yeah, this whole Sebastian thing is just freaking me out.
Oh, I got tested.
And?
I'm negative.
Of course.
But no matter how safe you are, those tests are just so nerve-wracking.
What did Sebastian say when you told him you were tested?
Nothing. He hasn't even called me back yet.
He's an asshole.
No, he's just confused.
No, he's an asshole. You at least deserve a phone call.
You know, I try and look for a healthy monogamous relationship,
or someone to spend my life with,
but I always end up getting fucked.
And not in a good way.
That's why I don't do the love thing anymore. It get's too complicated.
What you need is to get fucked... and in a good way!
I want a husband, two point five kids, a house in the Hamptons and a dog.
I don't wanna be a slut like everyone else.
Are you talking about me?
Oh, I don't think the word slut does you justice.
Bitch!
Whore!
Slut!
Oh, you wish!
Look, if you wanna change, then change.
If you don't, then stop bitching about it!
It's just sex, it doesn't have to be special.
It's just like working out. But with someone else.
But I want sex to be special - to mean something.
But why?
Imagine if you went to a theme park and walked around and around
until you found the perfect rollercoaster.
By the time you picked the right one, the park would be closed,
and you wouldn't have gotten to enjoy anything.
Sometimes you should just shut up and enjoy the ride.
Cute analogy.
I am impressed.
Thanks.
Go on. Be a slut.
Be a great big slut. Try 'Manhunt.'
I'm not going on 'Manhunt.'
Position?
Top.
Versatile.
Hello!
Tonight I've dug into my trunk
and pulled out a song that I've never ever sung before.
It seems to be the new theme song since I've had my 'epiphany.'
♪ I was raised to have values. ♪
♪ Of my forbearance, my parents would be proud! ♪
This is fantastic!
♪ So forgive, this vulgar phrase which now I shall use. ♪
♪ God, I need to get plowed! ♪
♪To hell with romance. ♪
♪ Just drop your pants. ♪
♪ I wanna be a slut. ♪
I decided to hook up online.
It's happening. The end of the world is upon us.
Run for your lives! Hell has frozen over.
♪ But now I don't care. ♪
♪As long as my feet end up in the air. ♪
♪ Well, I wanna be a slut. ♪
I've tried the whole dating thing. It didn't work,
so I'm trying something new.
Show us your profile!
No!
Bitch, let us help you. We're professional sluts.
Trust us.
♪ I'm eager to please. ♪
♪ I'm down on my knees. ♪
You're using your headshot?
Child, I have a camera. But do not use your headshot. That's just crazy!
♪You'll be the grill, maybe I'll be the meat. ♪
♪ I'll be the harbor and you'll be the fleet. ♪
Perfect!
But you cut off my head.
Exactly! Now we're gonna take one with your face.
And you don't have to show this pic
unless you're interested in the guy you're talking to.
I never realized being a slut was so hard.
♪ Like a teenage gorilla. ♪
Don't worry baby, we'll help you.
♪You don't have to be all that buff or a jock boy. ♪
♪ Let's cut to the chase, let's see your cock boy. ♪
♪All guilt has ceased. ♪
♪ Pretend I'm a priest. ♪
♪ I wanna be a slut! ♪
♪ In the john in the mall, ♪
♪ giving head in a stall. ♪
♪ I wanna be a slut. ♪
♪ Call me Maxwell, I'm good. ♪
♪To the very last drop. ♪
♪ Call me bitch, call me whore, ♪
♪ go ahead, call a cop. ♪
♪ Whoever you call, just be sure he's a top. ♪
♪ I've tattooed a target on my butt. ♪
♪ Cause I wanna be a... ♪
It's like Will Rodgers always used to say,
"I never met a man I didn't like."
♪ Cause I wanna be a slut! ♪
My parents would have loved this.
Paul Connor everybody.
Lord! Take a break. Crazy!
Alright, let's do something else.
Sorry.
Hi.
Hey.
I really liked watching you.
Do you wanna see more?
Mm-hm.
You're place?
Sure.
♪ I met my love in a very odd way. ♪
♪ From a distance, we connected. ♪
That was awesome.
I do what I can.
Did you cum?
No.
Oh no, no.
I wanna make you cum.
I'm just really drunk.
Come on.
What?
I don't cuddle.
Goodnight.
♪ Looking at men makes us sick! ♪
♪ We don't wanna suck on dick! ♪
♪ Sound off! ♪
♪ One, two. ♪
♪ Sound off! ♪
♪Three, four. ♪
♪ Bring it on home. ♪
♪ One, two, three, four. ♪
♪ One, two. Three, four. ♪
Ok boys, it's time to start talking about Jesus!
Sorry, I'm late.
Oh, that's OK Sweetie...
Son!
We're just getting started here.
Steve, why don't you get him a T-shirt?
Thanks.
First thing I wanna do is learn our camp song.
And if you ever forget what it's called,
all you have to do is look down on your camp T-shirt.
Now, this is how it goes.
♪ I'm gonna go straight... to Heaven. ♪
♪ I'm gonna go be Jesus' friend. ♪
♪ I'm gonna go straight... to Heaven. ♪
♪ I'm never gonna be gay, be gay again. ♪
OK, now it's time for all of you to try.
♪ I'm gonna go straight... to Heaven. ♪
♪ I'm gonna go be Jesus' friend. ♪
♪ I'm gonna go straight... to Heaven. ♪
♪ I'm never gonna be gay, be gay again. ♪
♪ Here at 'FAGS' camp, we've come to learn ♪
♪ how to change our ways. ♪
♪ We're gonna stop being sissy men. ♪
♪ So when we pray to Jesus, we can say ♪
♪ I'm gonna go straight. Straight! ♪
♪To Heaven. Yeah! ♪
♪ I'm gonna go be Jesus' friend. ♪
♪ Hey Jesus! ♪
♪ I'm gonna go straight... to Heaven. ♪
♪ I'm never gonna be gay, be gay again. ♪
♪ Here at 'FAGS' camp, we're on our knees. ♪
♪ But it's just to pray! ♪
♪ We're gonna learn to be rugged and butch. ♪
♪ So when we pray to Jesus, we can say ♪
♪ I'm gonna go straight... to Heaven. ♪
♪ I'm gonna go be Jesus' friend. ♪
♪ I'm gonna go straight... to Heaven. ♪
♪ We're never gonna be gay. ♪
♪ I'm gonna go straight... to Heaven. ♪
♪ I'm gonna go be Jesus' friend. ♪
♪ I'm gonna go straight... to Heaven. ♪
♪ I'm never gonna be gay. ♪
♪ Be gay again. ♪
Excuse me! I saw the show. I just wanted to say hi.
You saw the show?
Yeah.
There's no way you could have seen it and made it back here this fast.
Oh, well, I saw the show last night,
but by the time I made it to the stage door you'd already left,
so I came to meet you tonight.
Glad you liked the show.
You look familiar.
Oh, I go to Mostly Sondheim once in a while.
Oh, cool!
Well, make sure you say hi next time you're at Sondheim.
Do you... think maybe we could grab a drink or go for coffee or something?
I don't know.
I have to run but, but I'm sure I'll run into you again soon, OK?
Hey!
So, how was your workout?
Fine, yours?
It was good.
So I was thinking,
maybe we could...
You know what would be really hot?
What?
Not you.
Do you want to take a walk?
OK.
But don't try anything.
I won't touch you I promise.
It's so beautiful here.
I know.
Isn't it wonderful how God has brought us here to help us?
Help us? Help us what?
He should be helping us break out.
Are you OK? Is there a problem?
Am I doing something wrong?
Huh?
You haven't even tried to touch me.
You just told me you didn't want me to.
I thought you'd at least try.
I didn't take you here to molest you. I just wanted to talk to you.
You're not even attracted to me, are you?
I think you're absolutely adorable.
Then kiss me.
I want to know what its like.
You've never been kissed before?
No.
Just kiss me, please.
I can't!
Forget about the promise.
It's not about the promise.
It's about this fucked up place.
We should get back.
Why? Are we just hanging out so we can make out?
No.
What else could we do?
Well, we could talk about this sick place.
We can talk about who we really are. We can talk about...
Sick?
This place is here to help us become who God wants us to be.
Yeah. You go on and find out who that is.
I'm already what God wants me to be.
And where are you going tonight mister?
My first online date.
Oh look our little boy's getting all dressed up for a trick.
It's like he's growing up right before our eyes.
Shut up!
I'd say good luck, but you know these things are kind of a given.
He's real hot too.
Yeah, if he sent you a real picture.
What do you mean?
Don't listen to the bitter, Dear. Just go have fun,
and give it to him once or twice for me.
Goodnight boys.
Oh, thanks for the help with the profile.
That's what slutty friends are for.
Where are my pants?
Right here.
Thank you
Oh, hey!
I guess we bumped into each other after all.
Hey! Nice to see you again.
Yeah, I gotta go to work.
Hopefully we bump into each other again.
Yeah sure.
Paul?
You look just like your picture.
I need a drink.
Cranberry vodka.
Alright.
You're really cute.
Thanks! I see you in here a lot.
I like the ambiance.
I bet you do.
I work down the block in the show "Adam and Steve -
Just The Way God Made 'Em."
I hear it's great. I'd love to see it.
I can get you comps. Give me your number I'll call you tomorrow and
hook it up.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Let me know when you wanna...
cum.
Yeah.
What are you doing after work?
Huh?
The change is your tip.
Thank you.
I got a tip with your name all over it.
Thanks. I'm already taken.
Come on!
Come home with me, I'll fuck you like you've never been fucked before.
Whoa Sparky, now you're getting a little inappropriate.
Just give me another drink.
How about I give you a little water?
Why don't you just give me a little vodka?
Why don't you go home and sober up?
Why don't you just give me another fucking drink?
You know I know the owner.
Yeah, everyone knows the owner.
Just give me another fucking drink!
Are you fucking serious?
Go sober up.
Mom, Dad - I need to tell you something.
So, how does this usually start?
How do you want it to start?
This is all about you.
Well...
Would you like me to undress for you?
Sure.
So, tell me about yourself.
Sure.
What would you like to know?
Where are you from? Why do you do this?
Well, I'm from Washington. Seattle, actually.
I go to NYU. And this is how I pay for it.
Nothing crazy or anything.
Does your family know you do this?
No. They do know I'm gay though.
Are you seeing anyone?
Yes.
Does he know?
How would you like a massage?
Sure.
Isn't this whole thing strange for you?
It was... at first.
And you probably end up sleeping with fat old men.
Sometimes I get to sleep with hot young guys like you.
Do you sleep with hot young guys a lot?
A lot of young guys just don't wanna deal with dating or meeting anyone.
And with me there is no drama, you know?
No bitching, no nagging. And what you see is what you get.
I don't care if you want me to top or...
if you want to fuck the shit out of me.
Do you kiss all your clients?
Only the ones I want to.
Can I ask you a question?
You sure are full of questions.
I know this is strange but...
can I hold you?
I meant... cuddle, hold you.
Sure.
♪You don't have to be a millionaire ♪
♪with a mansion full of art. ♪
♪ I just want someone to sing me a love song. ♪
♪ If you'd sing me a love song,♪
♪ a simple, tender love song, ♪
♪ you'd steal my heart. ♪
I didn't realize you were working here.
I'm not having a good day.
You wanna talk?
Yeah.
Let's go downstairs.
What's wrong?
I told my parents.
Did you tell them everything?
Yeah. It didn't go well.
What did they say?
Nothing.
They always say they love me and they said nothing.
I think my mom started crying.
I could almost hear their disappointment,
hear their hearts break.
They hate me.
They don't hate you.
It's tough for parents to hear their kids are gay. It just takes time.
I can't imagine being anything worse than gay.
Don't say that.
It's all going to be OK, you'll see.
No, it's not Paul.
You always say everything's going to be OK, but it's not.
Sometimes its going to be horrible.
Sometimes things turn out to be disasters.
You don't know what it's like to have you parents hate you.
You don't know what it's like to disappoint the people who raised you,
and gave you everything. You don't know!
I just wish there was a cure.
Something I could take to make me normal.
Some pill. Some shot.
You are normal Eddie. Why would you wanna change who you are?
You know what, you should go see that show,
"Adam and Steve - Just the Way God Made 'Em."
It might help you out.
Yeah, I hear the guy playing Adam is a slut.
I hear the guy who plays Steve just popped his cherry.
Paul...
Don't you ever just wanna fit in?
No, I never try to fit in.
Could you imagine if I tried to be like the people I grew up around?
I'd be watching professional wrestling and drinking beer out of a can.
I can, Eddie!
For a date I'd buy a nice box of wine,
drive to a parking lot to grab some girl's titties.
I don't mind being different.
I like it.
Because I know I'm better!
This is me.
Take it or leave it.
How is being a slut going for you?
Not too well.
I even hired a hustler.
Really? Was it good?
We cuddled.
You hired a hustler and you just cuddled with him?
And you thought bottoming for a bottom was pathetic.
I know, Eddie.
I'm just trying to figure out who I am.
And sometimes, when everyone around you
tells you you're supposed to be something else,
you start to think you are.
So you don't think you really wanna be a slut?
I just wanna be loved.
Do you think my parents still love me?
What do you think?
You always make me feel better.
It is gonna be OK.
♪The day I met you,♪
♪ I could hear the overture start ♪
♪ like a musical theatre love story ♪
♪ where a lover gives his heart. ♪
♪ I have never been in love. ♪
♪This has got to be our gift from God above. ♪
♪ I won't change for you. ♪
♪ I won't become somebody else. ♪
♪ I am now the man I'm supposed to be. ♪
♪ I won't change for you. ♪
♪ I won't change for you my God. ♪
♪ I just want to know you love me as I am. ♪
♪This is our musical theatre love story. ♪
♪ We're making it scene to scene. ♪
♪ Our love is strong and growing ♪
♪ on our journey to be free. ♪
Hey Paul, can I ask you something?
Of course.
I have a sore throat.
Take a cough drop.
No, I read online that it can be one of the first signs of HIV and...
also my glands are swollen, and...
If you're scared you should go get tested. It's free.
Do you think I might be?
After just once? I mean, wouldn't it be like a sign from...
From what? God? Look, HIV is a disease.
It has nothing to do with God or punishment.
If God wanted us dead, he'd send down the fires of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Just go get tested.
Would you go with me?
Of course. But you're gonna owe me a drink.
And next time wrap it up.
God you're so stupid.
Alright everybody, we have a very special treat tonight.
We're about to pop somebody's cherry everybody.
We have a Mostly Sondheim virgin!
Come on up Charles!
Well, umm&
I'd like to dedicate this song to a special guy I keep bumping into.
I don't really know how to talk to him so...
I thought I would try talking to him in his language - music.
So I wrote this for him.
♪ I have never believed in fate before, ♪
♪ but I'm seeing you most everyday. ♪
♪ You've been haunting my mind, ♪
♪ since I saw you in the light, ♪
♪ and you took my breath away. ♪
♪There are forces at work ♪
♪ that we don't understand, ♪
♪ but they're bringing us closer♪
♪ as if it were planned. ♪
♪ If someone up there wants us to be together, ♪
♪ then who are we to disagree? ♪
♪ If someone wiser knows we'd be good together, ♪
♪ it's not our place to ask why, ♪
♪ and I think we should give it a try. ♪
♪ If providence deems we fall in love, ♪
♪ then there's nothing we can do. ♪
♪And I cannot deny what I'm feeling deep inside, ♪
♪ and I think you feel it too. ♪
♪ So it's hopeless to fight. ♪
♪There's no place to retreat. ♪
♪ So give into your heart for surrender is sweet. ♪
Look, I should let you know that I'm
really not looking to hook up or anything.
Me neither.
I just came out to my parents and it didn't go very well so...
the last thing on my mind is sex.
I can't even imagine telling my parents I'm gay.
I'm Mormon.
Is that worse than being a Southern Baptist?
♪And I think we should give it a try. ♪
♪ I think we should give it a try. ♪
How'd it go?
Good.
I'm fine, but they want me to come back in a few months to do it again.
OK.
Oh, I can't leave yet.
They want to take me back and give me a counseling session in a few.
Teach me about safe sex.
No problem. I can wait.
Thank you so much for coming with me.
I'm glad you're OK.
So...
I met a cute boy last night.
Oh, me too!
Mine sang me a song.
Mine's a Mormon.
I think we're both pretty damn pathetic.
I think I like being pathetic.
Eddie, you wanna come back now?
David?
I can't believe we're doing this.
We said we were going to be here.
We can't miss the biggest opening night of his life.
Even if the whole show just seems so wrong?
I am just as troubled by all of this as you are, but he's still our son.
Hey everyone.
Now remember Patty has a new song at the end of the show.
I can't believe they're adding a new song opening night.
They don't call it off-Broadway for nothing.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to opening night
of "Adam and Steve - Just the Way God Made ‘Em!"
Before we begin, we must inform you that the coalition of Christians
has rated our show "FLAMING."
This doesn't mean we condone or encourage the homosexual lifestyle.
It just means that if you enjoy our show,
You'll end up burning in Hell right next to us!
God? If you're listening, we need some help!
I'm frightened Adam, I'm frightened!
We're lost in the woods and we don't know where we're supposed to be going.
Hello!
Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Why, I'm not a witch at all.
I'm your guardian angel,
Dorothy.
An angel? Did God send you here to bring us to Hell?
No Dear. He sent me here to bring you to New York City.
New York City is God's favorite city,
but you can't go there shirtless. Here!
Wear these.
Aren't they a little small?
Trust me, Steve. It'll look divine!
These do look good.
You look great.
You too.
Did you think I would steer you wrong?
After all, you're both friends of Dorothy now.
Can I ask you a question?
Of course Steve.
Does God hate us because we're gay?
Honey, how could you even think that?
♪ God made all different types of people ♪
♪ with different jobs to do. ♪
♪ He made all of the breeders ♪
♪to make more gays like you and you. ♪
♪ So sure, they might be jealous. ♪
♪ Don't listen to what they say. ♪
♪ You're just the way he made you. ♪
♪ God loves gays. ♪
♪ Each one of you is special ♪
♪ in your own way. ♪
♪ Some people are gays in hiding. ♪
♪They're the ones who love to shout. ♪
♪They need to know God loves them ♪
♪to help them with their coming out. ♪
God is going to send you to the fires of Hell!
♪ God loves gays, Honey. ♪
Being gay is an abomination,
and the only thing worse than being an abomination...
is being a Jew.
♪ God loves gays, Mary. ♪
♪ God madly loves the gays. ♪
♪ God loves gays. ♪
♪Yes he does. ♪
♪ Each one of you is special ♪
♪ in your own gay way, ♪
♪ and it doesn't matter ♪
♪ if you are butch or fey. ♪
♪ Stay just the way he made you. ♪
♪ God loves gays, Honey. ♪
♪ God loves gays, Mary. ♪
♪ No matter what your job is, ♪
♪ He loves you the way you are. ♪
♪You can be a politician ♪
♪ or working in a leather bar. ♪
♪ God loves all He created ♪
♪ no matter what people say. ♪
♪ Stay just the way He made you ♪
♪ cause ♪
♪ He loves you. ♪
♪ He LOOOOO... ♪
♪ HE LOOOOVES...♪
♪ GAYS! ♪
I was up for that part.
I think I'm gonna like it here.
There are so many friends of Dorothy here.
You know what this journey has taught me?
What?
That I want you in my life forever.
Steve?
Will you marry me?
Of course I will.
No, no, no! You can't do this. This is an abomination.
The Lord God said that two men should not sleep in the same bed.
It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
If God were here right now, what would He say?
Why don't you just ask me?
Who are you supposed to be?
What did they expect? God!
The Father. The man upstairs.
Watch this.
Let there be darkness.
I said LETTHERE ABE DARKNESS!
Now watch this - my favorite part.
Why the fuck is it so dark down here?
If you are God, then you know it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
You shouldn't believe everything you read.
But your book specifically says...
My book? Who said it was my book?
What do you think, I faxed it down here?
It was written by man.
It was interpreted by man.
It was abused by man.
I never told people to hurt and kill.
I told everyone to love.
You mean, you love the gays?
Didn't you just hear the last song?
Maybe we were wrong.
I'm so sorry we tried to change you.
Can you ever forgive us?
Of course I can.
I love you both so much.
I guess we were wrong.
Forgive me
♪ I didn't realize 'til now ♪
♪that our cold, self-righteous words could hurt you so. ♪
♪ I was taught very young, ♪
♪ by those who came before me, ♪
♪to fear and condemn ♪
♪ the things I don't know. ♪
♪There is fear in the hearts ♪
♪ of those who would change you. ♪
♪ Fear of the light that shines from you. ♪
♪They don't know that light was designed by God, ♪
♪ who gave it a brilliant and beautiful hue. ♪
♪And to those who would change you, ♪
♪ or send you away, ♪
♪ you must proudly stand your ground and say, ♪
♪ I was put on this Earth as I am. ♪
♪ I was born with my own special blessings. ♪
♪ I let them shine and not give a damn. ♪
♪ I was put on this Earth as I am. ♪
♪There is envy in those ♪
♪ who recklessly judge you, ♪
♪ wishing their hearts could love like yours. ♪
♪They don't understand, they can reach within, ♪
♪ and find all the love, forgiveness restores. ♪
♪And to those who condemn you with fury and shame, ♪
♪ you must strongly plant your feet and proclaim, ♪
♪ I was put on this Earth as I am. ♪
♪ I was put here to live as His creation, ♪
♪ and I know I'm loved in virtue and sin. ♪
♪ I'm calm and content within my own skin. ♪
♪ I was put on this Earth as I am. ♪
♪ I was born with my own special blessings. ♪
♪ I let them shine and not give a damn. ♪
♪ I was put on this Earth ♪
♪ as I am! ♪
Is there anything you wanna say to each other?
You know, marriage is a commitment of love.
It's the binding together of your two souls throughout eternity.
Don't ever make this commitment unless you sure you're ready.
You know I love you, but are you ready?
If not, I'm willing to wait.
My whole life, I've wondered what was wrong with me.
The problem was that I hated myself.
And it made me feel so alone.
You will never be alone again.
You showed me how to love myself,
and now I'm ready to love you.
I'm so ready.
Our little Steven is getting married.
♪You'll never be alone. ♪
♪ I'll always be here for you. ♪
♪You'll never be alone. ♪
♪ I'll always love you, ♪
♪ and I'll be faithful to you. ♪
♪Then with my blessing, ♪
♪ and as the angels sing with glee, ♪
♪ I'll call you one now ♪
♪ through all eternity. ♪
♪You'll never be alone! ♪
I love you Adam.
I love you Steve.
And they're just the way I made 'em!
That's our son!
Thanks.
We are so proud of you.